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063 – Communicating with your partner and military deployment

Join hosts Adam J. Salgat and Katie Trotter in discussing communication with military couple Jen Rudolph and Jose Tovar.

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Adam Salgat 0:01
When did date night become just another night in front of the TV? When did date night become answering Jeopardy questions but not answering each other’s questions. When did date night just stop happening? Whether you’ve been married for 60 years, or have just started your relationship, connecting can be difficult. But don’t worry, you’re not alone in this even if people may not talk about it openly. Let us teach you techniques that can bring you and your partner closer together. Our date night series is designed to help partners understand each other’s communication behaviors. Teach couples to connect meaningfully learn to listen connect and build appreciation within the relationship. We know that schedules can be hard to coordinate so we are offering this series at two different times, Wednesdays beginning March 3, continuing March 10 17th and 24th at 8pm and Saturdays beginning March 6 13th 20th and 27th at 10am. If you’re looking for a special gift to give this Valentine’s Day, why not give the gift of deeper connection and understanding the price per couple for the whole series is $50 and this will cover the cost of the disc report for two people. We only have space for 25 couples so claim your spot early. For more information visit our community Welcome to the our community lessons podcast where we strengthen relationships and build stronger communities through listening leadership, care and service to create truly human connection. Learn and partner with us as we imagine a society in which people care about each other. First, explore more, our community

Hello, and welcome to the our community lessons podcast. My name is Adam Salgat. With me today is Katie Trotter, strategic engagement leader for Michigan. Our topic today is marriage communication. We’re going to talk specifically about military deployment with a couple other guests that are coming in. The first I’d like to welcome Katie to the podcast. How you doing, Katie? How’s your day going?

Unknown Speaker 2:31
Going? Great, Adam, thanks for having me today.

Adam Salgat 2:34
Looking forward to this opportunity to get to know our following guests here. Jen Rudolph and Jose Tovar. Both of them have previously served active duty for our military. John Rudolph is currently serving in Michigan’s Air National Guard. Jose Tovar is a former Air Force veteran, and currently working in real estate. Jen and Jose, thank you so much for deciding to join our podcast and tell us a little bit about your experience with military deployment and marriage communication.

Unknown Speaker 3:04
Hi, yeah, thanks for having us. Happy to be here. Very excited.

Adam Salgat 3:07
Awesome. So Katie, I know these two have been through a couple different courses that help them specifically learn about the way to communicate as married couple, tell me what those were tell me what those classes were what what those what those programs were all about. So that way, we can kind of set our listeners up and put them on the same page.

Speaker 2 3:26
Yeah, absolutely. So I will say, for those listeners who may not be quite as familiar with our format, we do typically offer the three day community class, which Jen had an opportunity to participate in with her work. But on top of that, we did offer that class in a couples format. So anyone who was in a committed relationship could choose to participate over a weekend, the same format of the three day class, but each person would be in a separate classroom, coming together at lunchtime, and then in the evenings to practice some of those skills specific to the course. On top of having gone through that experience, Jen and Jose during their deployment had an opportunity to participate in a deployment program that we offered, which essentially equip them with skills each month that they could have an opportunity to continue practicing even though they were experiencing that distance.

Adam Salgat 4:14
Katie, I’m gonna put you on the spot a little bit here. How me? And we’re going to hear directly from Jose and John and their experience. But those who have been through that marriage class, what what were some of the comments that people made and why it made a difference to them?

Speaker 2 4:28
I would say one of the comments that continues to stick out in my mind as there was a couple who had been married for over 30 years. And after going through the reflective listening portion and doing that homework assignment, they came back in and the wife said, I learned more about my husband and one evening that I had learned about him and our entire time of knowing each other. And I’ve realized I’ve never really listened to him before. And that was just a huge moment for me to realize how long we can know a person but at a much less deep level. I guess then what we But if we were practicing the skills,

Adam Salgat 5:02
it is pretty impactful. And I can understand how it totally stands out. Now, Jen and Jose judging just from your age, I’m guessing you don’t have that 30 years yet? No, not Yeah. Okay. Well, one of our first questions, you know, Katie and I were talking before, the podcast here was having you guys touch a little bit on what your communication was like prior to going through any communication, or any our community listening skills training sounds like Jen did yours individually first. But if one of the two of you want to take the lead on what your communication styles was, like, for the two of you, before going through any type of communication skills training, I’ll,

Speaker 3 5:43
I guess, kind of provide the listeners a little bit of overview on how we met, and how that evolved in into the communication styles we have today. So as you mentioned, Jen and I were active duty service members for about eight years prior to relocating up here to Michigan. And during that time, when we got married, we were actually stationed at two different bases, and one being Oklahoma, one being in Georgia. And so that kind of created a unique challenge in the beginning of how do we communicate, essentially having a long distance marriage for about four years before we could relocate together. And so through a lot of trials and tribulations, and eventually being relocated back to the same base, we kind of realized that I think we had a pretty young sense of communication within the marriage. And I Speaking for myself, and I found myself kind of realizing that, you know, the communication styles that I wanted to use with Jim weren’t as effective as they needed to be. We were, I think, looking for the right terminology. And I’m several, I’m sure we’ll get into this in the podcast, but that common vernacular to really help us solve problems and move forward. And so, you know, that’s what you know, as we moved back to Michigan, I think that’s kind of set ourselves up for the next part, which is the OCL, and how that came into our lives.

Speaker 4 6:52
I think initially, we were just sort of making it up as we went, I had never really had any formal communication, certainly not in any kind of relationship sense. And for us to kind of craft or near each other a couple of times, it meant that, you know, every time we got together on a weekend, we had very little time. And that meant that sometimes we had kind of arguments or disagreements, sometimes it happened at 10 o’clock at night, we call that the Genin has a special. Usually when you have worked the next day, it’s really good. But I think that we just it was very rudimentary, and it didn’t have any structure. It didn’t have any method to it, we learned a lot along the way. But it was definitely by trial and error. And we still, even after we had gotten some, some processes sort of figured out, we still didn’t have any way to talk about it, or quantify or characterize the things we were saying, We just were kind of in intuiting a lot of our decisions. And the way we spoke, it wasn’t as intentional as I think it’s become now.

Adam Salgat 7:56
Yes, and I’m not an expert in this space. But I can imagine that’s common for a lot of people. And whether it’s a relationship, like a marriage, or a relationship with just friendship, where you only have that little bit of time to see each other. And you just, when you get upset, you don’t know why they’re doing something a certain way. But you don’t have the words to explain it yet, right? So as you start to get to know yourself and start to get to know them. And then when they communicate, communication skills comes into play, that can help. Katie, in your experience, have you noticed or heard people tell the same kind of story where they know they love the person, but they just can’t connect with what it is that they’re struggling with at that time?

Speaker 2 8:40
Yeah, absolutely. And I would love to kick it back over to Jen and Jose just to hear a little bit about their dependencies and how they saw that play out. Because what we often were hearing in the class was, hey, I’m trying to connect with my partner, because I really want to work on this project together. And someone else would be saying I really was trying to connect with my partner by getting them to sit and drink coffee and talk for a while. And so I know that that’s a common thing, right? We’re trying to connect with the person that we pick to spend our life with. But we don’t always do it in the same common language. So will they ingen if you don’t mind talking a little bit about just kind of what you learned through the course related to your different tendencies.

Speaker 4 9:16
I’m a i s d tendency, and I think that is a really, you know, just how do you spend a Saturday was a really good exercise because I think that when you only have a short amount of time, and we probably saw each other for a weekend or long weekend, every six weeks when we were living in different states. When you have that long weekend, you kind of tend to do a lot of stuff. And it’s not necessarily very relaxing. And we were always taking leave on the weekends time off on the weekends instead of taking it during the week. So we would work a week we would spend all weekend traveling to one location to the other, do things especially if we were going to a new place a new city that we hadn’t visited or if If we were going to each other’s house, we were visiting friends and catching up, which didn’t leave a whole lot of time or space to do what Jose likes to call the recharge. And I think that we didn’t even know that we were not even considering the the, what each person needs in those weakened moments. So we could have been a lot, probably more effective with our time.

Speaker 3 10:25
And I guess for the audience, I’m a s and a C. And so how that kind of played into the communication structure pretty early, was that I was always kind of, I was always fixated on finding that harmonious balance. And initially, when you’re 20, for me that is that that balance line between work and home life, right? Well, Jen was a couple states away for me. So I was trying to balance the professional life with seeing Jen when I could. And so, you know, I thought I could have it all. And realistically, I think that that was setting setting me up and setting us up for challenges down the road by, you know, not planning communication, or using better communication when we were together.

Adam Salgat 11:03
Absolutely I, I can imagine you almost felt like you were on all the time, meaning you knew you wanted to spend time with this person. But you also knew you wanting to sleep in till 10am or something.

Speaker 4 11:15
Yeah, and you know, it’s funny, you say that, because we felt like we had finally gotten smart, when we realized we could both drive eight hours to the same place, and not take time off. But now you’re driving eight hours on a Friday or you know, something like that, or on a Saturday morning, and that is not really very restful, either. Because then you also have to drive it hours back, which leaves you a maximum of like, a day in between? I think that if we were in that space, now we would, our vacations look very different. for lots of reasons.

Speaker 2 11:49
Jen and Jose, I would be curious if you could talk a little bit about how you’ve seen your communication style as a couple change since you went through the course.

Speaker 3 11:57
So you know, it’s interesting, because Jen and I got exposed to OCL. And very different times, Jen took the first course, I would say about what, six months or a year ahead of me. And I began to recognize that Jen was using a language that was trying to put words more effective to describe more effectively, how she was feeling and what she was trying to communicate. And, and I recognized that that was something that I wanted to try and, and bridge that gap and speak that same language. And so, you know, fortunately, Jen and I were able to attend the marriage course. And that really put a spotlight on, on our communication practices, because in the beginning, I say our communication structure was very young, but because in a lot of ways it was, I can’t describe how I’m feeling, but I need you to feel what I’m feeling. And so a lot of times that can manifest itself, right and, and unnecessary. You know, actions where you’re trying to make them feel like you do, if that’s good, that’s good. If it’s bad, it’s bad. You know, it was pretty, pretty young and simple Instructure. And then, as we went through the OCL, chorus, we found the opportunities in the language to then describe more accurately how we’re feeling. And now, instead of going to that emotional place, first, we try to go to the language first. And I think that’s made all the difference in the world,

Speaker 4 13:13
I think it’s really forced us to slow down in a good way. You know, when we were in different states, we were very reactionary, because that’s all we kind of had the time and emotional energy to do, you’re excited to see the other person. So you’re just, you don’t have a lot of time for logic at that point. And then when we moved back together, both when we moved back together, the first time when we moved to Michigan, and then when I came back from this deployment, I think every time I see us deliberately slow down to kind of take stock of where we’re at and go into it, knowing that we’re going to be emotional, we’re going to have a lot of feelings, that we are looking for the other person to validate, excepting that those feelings are going to be there and still trying to take that extra second to slow down in what we say and how we’re saying and what we’re trying to accomplish, I think is really what I’ve noticed, too. I feel I feel like we’re slower and more deliberate, which feels right, you know,

Speaker 2 14:14
think sometimes that intentionality piece can be so critical and can really repent or prevent a lot of repair work down the road. I think that’s a great point. Jose, and I have a question kind of separately for each of you. And I don’t know if if you’ll be able to pick just one but I’m curious what you would say the top OCL skill that you learned as it relates to being the most helpful in your marriage.

Speaker 4 14:40
So I know minus minus definitely the reflective listening and this was the part I really struggled with when I took the the regular format of the OCL course. And in particular the reflective responses, because I felt like I only had four or so to pick from and I just kept saying the same and wins over again. And I never felt like it didn’t feel genuine. Because I felt like it was this code that someone who knew what I was doing would be able to tell, which is good. Because then the person I’m talking to Jose, once he went through the course, app absolutely knew what I was trying to do. And the great thing is that I wanted him to know, and he wanted to be able to identify when I was deliberately trying to listen to him. So I think, at first it was the hardest skill, and it has the act of listening in general has become the most important one because it has allowed me to reframe how I connect with people, instead of kind of swinging and missing.

Speaker 3 15:41
I think for me, the most important OCL skill that I’ve picked up is definitely for me crafting the confrontation message. And I think that that has really made a difference in how we resolve conflict in our marriage. As I kind of alluded to earlier, I, when we were younger, I definitely used that emotion aspect to help convey my feeling or my perception of the situation. So if I was feeling bad, I needed Jen to feel bad with me to understand the gravity of the moment, but it wasn’t effective. We weren’t getting anywhere. But when we when we’ve learned to create confrontation messages, it disarmed all that. Now it was, here’s how I feel, it immediately brought it back to me it wasn’t an attack on her wasn’t meant to be an attack on here was just meant to open the conversation to say I’m feeling this way. Here’s what I think this specific behavior is that that’s causing it or could be a root cause. And then, you know, it could lead to further discussion. So again, for me the confrontation, Mission cause message because it really changed how we approached conflict.

Adam Salgat 16:43
And the sound of it, you guys have definitely spent time apart early on in your relationship, you know, you shared about traveling to see each other on the weekends and living in different states. You came together, you’ve been you’ve lived together for how long? Have you kind of been living together in the same state now living together in general, I should say,

Speaker 4 17:00
I would say eight years all together with a small six month break, when we moved when we got out of active duty and moved to Michigan. But eight years, right?

Unknown Speaker 17:10
Yeah, four years apart before that.

Adam Salgat 17:12
Yeah. or years. Before that, though. But then recently, Jen, you did go on a six month plus deployment. So what I’m interested to hear about and just kind of open ended, how did your marriage change when you went on deployment? How did the communication skills come into play?

Speaker 3 17:30
So deployments are disruptive in a normal time. And then obviously, given what we’ve encountered the past year, right, there’s a lot of external pressures that were in addition to the normal struggles and kind of tribulations of deployment. But what we found is that, prior to the deployment, we had made some intentional decisions to work and prepare for the deployment by working on our marriage and communication. So we had begin to socialize a lot of the topics of here’s things that will probably go into encounter, here’s some sources of friction that could be on the horizon. And here’s kind of how we’re going to hopefully tackle them whenever we get into the deployment. Now, when you when Jen left, you know, just speaking from the spouse that was back home, it for me, it became survival. In a lot of ways it was taking care of the house taking care of this kids, we have a wonderful 10 year old basset hound. And so keeping keeping Myrtle alive and well, and, you know, making sure that that life goes on back here. So we went that way, when Jen comes home, you know, things are familiar, and she can kind of get back into the rhythm. So for me survival men, there was a an added emphasis on making sure that our communication was solid over the course of the deployment. And so, just to reference a few of the skills that folks in particular, I found really helpful, right was reflective listening. You know, Jen, as hard as my life was, I knew Jen was deployed overseas into a, you know, quite literally ongoing overseas operations, right. This is, you know, a very stressful environment where she’s at, I will obviously won’t speak to, you know, speak for her on that part. But I can imagine the amount of stress that she had, and so days where I knew she needed me to listen, I made an effort to listen. And likewise, when I thought the world was ending, because the dryer broke again, right, I needed her to listen to me. And to and to hear me out when when I was at my wit’s end over problems at the house. You know, so certainly reflective listening was important in that conversation message, right? Some days, there were just times where I had to say, I’m sad, I’m frustrated. Here’s the source, and maybe wasn’t necessarily directed at Jen. But it was something that she was a part of, or had a piece and that kind of helped me work through a lot of the issues that would pop up over the course of the deployment.

Adam Salgat 19:26
Jan, can you touch on it a little bit from your perspective? Yeah, we definitely hear that little basset hound back there.

Speaker 4 19:36
She’s just she’s got fear of missing out, you know, very high tendencies. I think from from my perspective, what I saw, I saw our intentionality come through on this deployment, especially different than others was, like Jose mentioned that I have a need and right now you’re, you’re my person and you’re my person who can help me with that and it’s not that I need you to fix it. I just need you to listen And, and I think I found that that was the most common, that was probably the most common thing we tried to do for each other. And a lot of ways, it’s the only thing you can do for each other sometimes. And I found that that flexing towards what Jose needed when the dryer broke, and to not get judgy on how he was going about fixing it, or when he would suggest that maybe it’s time to get a new one. And to not try to manage the household while I’m 1000s of miles away, and trust him to do those things at home with the tools that he has. I think that that that flexing to listen to the other person. I think we did that more in this deployment than we’ve done in previous ones. And with kind of the understanding that that was going to be something that we were just going to have to give to each other. And even on the worst days, if my day was bad, but Jose was going through a tough day, then it meant we were going to talk on the phone until he felt like he had kind of come to terms with what had happened or what was going on and what the attempted fix was. And vice versa. That you know, when I would send him a stream of text messages and everything sucked in No, I don’t want to talk on the phone. But I’m not. But I will but not right now. But just listen to all my text message and respond with lots of hearts. You know that that’s that we were doing that flex a little bit more graciously, I think so we maybe done in the past.

Speaker 2 21:17
I wanted to add Adam, I love that point, Jen, that you brought up about kind of just extending that grace, we talked quite a bit in class about not only the better understanding of your partner, so you have a choice to kind of flex and meet them where they’re at. But sometimes when you don’t have the energy and you and your partner are both feeling over extended, sometimes it’s more about just recognizing and acknowledging that you need to extend that grace and space because nobody has the capacity, especially in a situation like deployment to really be putting in that much energy and effort. Sometimes,

Speaker 4 21:43
I think we saw that in the months leading up to the deployment we saw, we started to notice how everybody in our span of care from family to friends to even our closest circle of friends and our our co workers that we were starting to see like the amount of capacity that everyone had to flex or to give others grace, that space was shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And I think something that helped us was being able to see that sort of happen in our in our network and realize that like this doesn’t leave us out, it means that our ability to care for others and ourselves is also shrinking too. And it kind of I think it kind of gave us a heads up that that was probably something we were just going to expect more of as the deployment started and continued and went on.

Speaker 3 22:27
I think another point that we consider to write is that deployment, like a lot of things is a temporary challenge. We knew that it had a start point, we knew that it was going to end. And we knew that there were going to be days right where we were going to be stretched with, with what we were willing or could do. And so again, knowing that we needed to give grace and space made that a little bit easier to handle those hard moments.

Adam Salgat 22:46
And you mentioned in our pre conversation a little bit about there were certain things and this comes to mind, because you just mentioned that you knew that it had an end. And there were certain things that you know, you knew, we’re just going to have to wait for in person. So even though all the preparation that you might have done and going into it and all the flexing that you could do while on deployment, there were certain things from the sound of it that you made mention to you that just needed to wait until she came home. Right?

Speaker 3 23:12
Yeah, absolutely. You know, and the key wasn’t to ignore those necessarily, but recognize them recognize that those parts, you know, were certainly there and had to be dealt with, eventually, and communicate the frustrations and the moments maybe associated by those events. But don’t let that dominate the the other conversation or the other items that you had to, you know, when we encountered topics that we knew either weren’t gonna get resolved until we got home or challenges, then we recognize them, we briefly kind of worked through anything that we needed to address in the moment, but we moved on and we didn’t let it we try not to let it impact us, you know, day in and day out, if you will.

Adam Salgat 23:46
I think that’s really great advice and whether or not it has to do with deployment or just like you’re in moments with your your significant other. And it might be with kids around or other hectic things happening in that moment. And knowing that I’m not ignoring what you might need or what needs to be talked about here. But right now in this moment, we can’t, we can’t fix it. And there isn’t anything that we can do to really like, talk about it. We have to you know, some people call it we need to table it, just table that for now. And we’ll set it aside. And we know between the two of us that we will come back when we have the energy time and space to work through it. Or you guys might have met till she comes home, or other people that might have met just until that evening, or even the weekend, my wife and I put things off sometimes with three kids right now, like nothing’s off until the weekend. And like it might be Tuesday and we bowled you’re like, Oh, we know that we’re not going to worry about that right now.

Speaker 3 24:36
You know, you can’t. Yeah, and I’m sorry to jump in there. But I think you raised a good point of like how DISC personality types kind of play into that too. You know, for my s personality perspective, there were topics or issues that come up that I wanted to address, but I needed time to develop the position for and so I would tell her that yes, I know this is something I want to talk about. I need time to formulate the opinion better. And Jen don’t mean to speak for you right but certainly there were issues as an AI right that we’re probably It’s really intense for me to to bring up or talk about that maybe you you had to build energy for, right?

Speaker 4 25:04
Yeah. And I usually can figure out how I feel pretty fast. So I like to talk about it and like get moving on the topic. So I have recognized how important that time to process is for Jose. And so sometimes I find myself when we finally got the chance to talk about some of those things that had to wait until I got back from the deployment. Sometimes it was just good for us to recognize that we can kind of summarize where we’re at and said, Hey, let’s talk about this later tonight. So we got back to that point where we could we could bring those topics up again, kind of figure out where we’re currently at and still take that pause to the evening or to the weekend, that would be more normal for us. I think that it’s, it’s good, because those big discussions, you know, they’re they’re hard to do when you’re stressed out. And in a deployment, both parties are always stressed out, right. And so there’s never a time where you’re unstressed. So it’s really hard to get yourself out of the box at any point to talk logically and rationally. But the more we have acknowledged that this is where we’re at, that we need to table it, whether it’s for three more months, or until we get home or the weekend. I think it’s, it’s done a lot to help us make those decisions better.

Speaker 2 26:15
To Adam, as you are probably picking up on listening to John and Jose, as we were working with the deployed group, there were a lot of different topics that I think in general, were helpful founding, right. So it’s great to know about how to reflective Listen, it’s great to know how to empathize even when you don’t agree with your partners perspective. But when you are operating in that space of overextension, one of the pieces that I thought was especially helpful was that we actually had one recording done on how to be an awesome partner, even when you screw up. And it was done with this idea of, we want to show up well for the people that we care about most. But I would venture a guess that all of us in the group at some point or another, didn’t live up to our own expectations, or our own hopes for what that would look like, until we did spend some time also talking about in those moments, how do you repair in a way that’s going to build trust and connection, because we know that those moments are going to happen,

Adam Salgat 27:04
very strategic planning for that team and our community lessons to make a plan for when we screw up because, like you said, as much as we want to try and initiate these skills on a daily basis, it’s hard no matter what, and we’re going to fall back into maybe a bad a bad habit, or just simply make a mistake, whether it’s a bad habit or not, it might just be a mistake. And it’s a, you need to know how to deal with that, when it comes comes about.

Speaker 4 27:29
I think that for Jose and I, one of the things we learned the hard way that we didn’t have any way to characterize was that idea about not taking the thing your partner wants, it needs to say personally, and kind of giving them permission upfront to say that thing. And there have been a couple of times where Jose and I have been in some, you know, very intense, you know, disagreements, and it’s gotten to the point where you get ready to say the thing you want to say, which is usually like the I feel statement, and you stop because you know how much that’s going to hurt another person, especially, you know, looking on it from an OCR lens, if you know their tendencies. But what we’ve tried to do is in those moments, say, Hey, can I just say what I just can I just say what I want to say, knowing that it’s not going to be a forever feeling. And it’s not because you’re a bad person, but I just need to be able to get it out, and then talk it out to refine it. And I think that’s one of the things we learned the hard way, from the OCL perspective, you know, that that brings in kind of the confrontation message and thinking through that confrontation message deliberately. So you can have the best not most least judge not least judgmental statement, you can. But sometimes in the moment, it’s hard to even do that. So by by us taking that time to, to kind of give each other that permission ahead of time of you know, I want to say the thing, but it’s not, it’s not intended to hurt your feelings, we’ve kind of tried to agree to go past the hurt your feelings, concept. And so we have kind of this understanding, like, I might say that I’m gonna say this thing, it might hurt your feelings, but let’s take it from there to somewhere else and not let it be the conversation Ender. Right. I

Speaker 2 29:07
think what we’re seeing Adam is that the more that couples are consistently practicing the empathy and the listening and the extending grace and faith and understanding tendencies, that there becomes this level increased level of trust and connection that people have so that when people do need to engage in some of those difficult conversations or conversations that trigger their partner, they’re finding that it’s easier to come back from or to hold space for that.

Adam Salgat 29:29
It makes a lot of sense because once you have built some of that relationship, trust and you know, the other person is not looking to say something with spied in their tongue, but they’re just saying it because it maybe don’t have the exact words in the moment. You know, that it’s not coming at you from a with a with villany. You know, that’s just they don’t know exactly how to express it. So like you just said gently ability to I’m going to say it, let’s take it somewhere else because I know what I’m saying isn’t necessarily exactly The right way to say it, let’s work on it together and build to build to the right thing that I’m actually trying to get to.

Speaker 2 30:09
All right, Jen and Jose. As we have had more and more couples choosing to participate in the class, we have found, some who come in very excited, some who come in not really wanting to be there. And some who are coming in being pretty sure that we’re going to make them do trust falls or stare and silence into their partner. Great. So knowing that you may have people in all spectrums who are first learning about this opportunity to participate with their partner, do you have any recommendations, suggestions, things for them to consider?

Speaker 3 30:42
You know, I would say from my perspective, that I recognized the importance of the class and to Jen, I under I knew that this was something that she really wanted us to to understand. And that set the importance level for me. And so that that definitely helped was knowing the importance that it was going to hold in our relationship, and certainly for Jen. And so that made me much more attentive, open minded when I went into the course. And to be honest, when I first enrolled him for signed up for it, I didn’t know what to expect, either. I certainly thought, you know, we probably would have done a trust fall at some point, we did not. But we were certainly it did force me to think a lot about, you know, how much and why I was communicating what I was willing to in the class. And, you know, before you know it, you kind of it’s, I found the classes as a great environment opportunity to begin to share stuff and to think about the way I communicated a relationship with Jim,

Speaker 4 31:33
I think one of the exercises in the course that I love the most is the concerns and fears. That exercise at the very beginning where everyone in their small group stand up and writes down, what their concerns are about the class and what their fears are from the class and everyone goes around the room shares, a lot of times those things very similar. There are sometimes very unique things which are really interesting for people to get a chance to talk about. But the important part for me is at the very end of the three day course, is taking all of those fears and concerns and reevaluating. Did the class answer any of the concerns that people wanted to get out of it? And did it? Does anyone still have any of those fears of what the class may or may not fulfill. So I think the recommendation I have is, if you don’t think it’s going to work, take the class, if you think you’re going to enjoy it, take the class because either way, you’ll get at least a chance to express what you think it can or can’t do. And then get a chance to see either through your experience or through your interaction with others in the class, if it can fulfill those needs. And there’s really no better training because it doesn’t just apply to committed relationships. It doesn’t just apply to your work relationships. It’s a it’s a foundational experience for every single connection you make with another person.

Adam Salgat 32:49
Jose and Jen and our pre conversation you mentioned, you’ve listened to the podcast, so you probably shouldn’t be super surprised that I’m gonna ask you to give me a couple of key takeaways right here at the end. So I know Jose, you had something in mind. So why don’t you jump in and go,

Speaker 3 33:04
you know, as you were talking about the key takeaway, the first thing that came to my mind is that it is okay to always work on your marriage. Right. And, and this was one of those steps for me, I think, was to make in place importance upon working in our communication. And I’m gonna butcher this thing a little bit here. But I think it’s appropriate in the sense that successful marriage communication is never owned. It’s rented and the rent is due every day.

Adam Salgat 33:28
That is, that is pretty cool. I like that.

Unknown Speaker 33:31
Was that me? So?

Adam Salgat 33:34
John, is there any any key takeaway or anything you’d like to add to that?

Speaker 4 33:37
I think coming from especially an AI tendency, I think the thing I’ve valued the most, my key takeaway from the course, from the committed relationship class from the deployment program, is to slow down. And listen, I think that that has gone way further, in every capacity for continuing to be a part of this marriage with Jose than any other thing we’ve ever done or learned,

Adam Salgat 34:02
or tacular. Maybe anything else you want to add to our conversation, any takeaway or you’d like to make,

Speaker 2 34:07
I just want to kind of build off of what who they mentioned, I think one of the things that’s been most exciting for me in this space of working with couples is that we’ve seen really strong healthy relationships who still go through the class feeling like we’re reaching a whole new depth together that we never thought was possible or ever, never even knew existed. But then seeing couples who are just kind of like in that funk, or we just do not understand one another. And seeing them leaving with kind of this new sense of hope is really incredibly inspiring. So again, just to establish that no matter where you’re at in your relationship, or if you’re just newly dating or newly married or engaged or whatever that might look like there’s always a space to be able to continue growing in that. So Jose, I love that you added that comment at the end as well.

Unknown Speaker 34:48
Was it too much

Adam Salgat 34:55
I loved it. Every day we can make we can have pay the rent, right? Everyday we got to make. Gotta make the effort to make the effort to be the best we can be for those that we love. Thank you guys so much. It’s such a pleasure getting to know you on our podcast. Thanks. Thanks for having us. And Katie, thank you for leading the way. Appreciate it.

Unknown Speaker 35:19
Thanks for having us, Adam.

Adam Salgat 35:22
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